According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
if y鈥檃ll catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i鈥檓 teaching her a lesson
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why鈥檇 you want more marbles.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]