Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.