According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
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After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?