Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.