Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

🤣😂

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level