Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?

My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?

Him: No, 12

7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.