Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

😸

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

ㅤ

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.