According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
The Book. The Movie.
True
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.