According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
relationship goals
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*