According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]