According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”