According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.