According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
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welp
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.