Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*