According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
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Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Can’t, holding a grudge
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.