According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
They did not miss in the small print
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.