According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Webb. James Webb.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
no one ever comes back
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha