Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”