According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
when revenge coincides with naptime
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats