Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

the duality of man

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Wait a minute

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70