Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

This sounds bad:

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!