Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I feel this so hard
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.