according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
dictator is short for richard potato
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.