Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Found my door mat

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?