according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
dads on road-trips be like
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.