According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.