According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?