According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.