Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me watching my own Instagram story

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

I ain’t wearing no wire

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.