According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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Seems legit
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
become ungovernable
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
guys I’m going home
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.