According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
You Might Also Like
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
just gave your address to some spiders