According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
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the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.