According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face