Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Otters see a butterfly.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

One of the best

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right