According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
i baked you a cake
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”