Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

My dad is at it again

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

uncle dave has been through hell

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.