According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.