@CheetoBandito77

According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.

According to MyFitnessPal, I have been dead for 6 weeks.

- @CheetoBandito77

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@UnFitz

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

@Just__J0

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

@DanMentos

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

@KyleSmells

[god inventing sleep]

god: people can have a little death, as a treat

@sophielou

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

@Megatronic13

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

@BookishBunny

At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.

@amishschool

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

@animaldrumss

Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults