Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Squirrels before girls.

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.