Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache