According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?