Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

i spent way too long on this

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

who wore it better?

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.