According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
This is me
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.