According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
Here’s a meme
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo