According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
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Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.