According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.


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7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them.
8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.


Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”


Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.


Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room


I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.


Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears


White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”


Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?