Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.