According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
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girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*