According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog