Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

is this a warning or an offer?

Realize this:

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.