According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Easy enough.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
This is the best one I’ve seen
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.