According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop