Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

Word.

~ Microsoft.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!