According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Word!
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven