According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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next level snooze
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!