According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
😂😂😂
Fries, cheese curds and gravy on a crushed cracker crust.
Poutine on the Ritz.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster