According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
watching gymnastics
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.