Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Finally

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Not even remotely sorry.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds