Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.