According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough