According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Does this dress make me look cat?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Green is just blue that someone peed in
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.