According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Never forget.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”