According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

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Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.


Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.


– 911,what’s your emergency?
– I’m out of beer!
– That’s no emergency.
– Chest pain?
– We’ll send an ambulance.
– Make sure they bring beer.


My phone always asks if I “trust this computer” like it knows something I don’t.


Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*


ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side


Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.


You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.


I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.


Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim