According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
just arby’s bein’ a bro
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me