According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’