According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
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The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon