Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Leaving the Barbers like

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

😂💯

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man

[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?