Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

The absolute effort that went into this omg

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!

The three genders

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!