Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

*aliens return to ship*

ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?

“We left them”

AL: Why?

“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”

My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw