Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

fourth time’s the charm

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.