Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.

Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”

The student has surpassed the master

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”